I was going to talk about a different topic, but work has been bringing me down lately, so I want to talk about that.
Mostly it’s been this past week, but it’s not the first time I’ve felt like this. Things are slow. At least for me. Our CAD guy is overloaded and I can’t really help because all I learned how to do in school was draw lines and make shapes and make everything centered and line up correctly. He would have to take time that he doesn’t have to show me how to do something that he could do in the time he was showing me how to do it. Lame. The other engineers have their own things going on and don’t really have much for me. As a result, I have put way more time that I’d like on General Admin. Specifically this week but there was also a day last week that had about 7 hours on general admin.
I feel useless. It’s a really sucky feeling because I like to do stuff and feel accomplished. As long as I have something to do, even if it’s just scanning papers and saving them in the right location so the company can go paperless, I will work hard at it. I will show up early, I will work diligently, and I will be in a good mood. Today, I was 20 minutes late for work. Why even come to work? – I thought. It’s not like I’m doing anything. I worked on our company website for two days straight. Which looks fantastic, but I’d much rather be doing something more meaningful. Even when I do get work, if I don’t understand what it is or how it’s benefiting anything, I still feel pretty useless. I’ve been starting to wonder why I was even hired. This useless feeling has made me feel very apathetic toward this job and a little depressed in general. I don’t feel like a useful member of society. I’m just sitting around fiddling on the internet with this website until time to go home. It’s awful. I’d rather be outside with the survey crew or do some field investigation or SOMETHING.
On top of that, I haven’t heard back from the college about volunteering to be a GED tutor. The Sims 4 just came out, which is fun and exciting. But it’s hard to enjoy playing games when I don’t feel like I get anything accomplished during the work day, so I don’t feel like I deserve to relax and play games in the evenings. This cycle is going to have to stop soon because I feel like I’m spiraling down into a depression.
Maybe I should have held out for a different job. Although I do like the small office vibe and the perks that come with it, like not having any strict rules. And the work we do is pretty important to society because it’s mostly city/county work. For example, we’re currently trying to find the problem in once of the city’s sewer system to stop it from spilling over. We’ve done parks, sidewalks, apartments, airport strips, roadwork, and utility work. Maybe if I look at all the ways we’re helping the community, I can feel like I’m part of it. I’m just having trouble feeling it. Maybe because I’ve always wanted to have a bigger impact, and these are small jobs.
I have been thinking about doing something with The Green Program. If you’ve never heard of them, look them up. I’m an alum. My fourth year in college I spent Spring Break in Costa Rica learning about different types of green energy hands on. It was a wonderful, life-affecting experience. I’d love to be a bigger part in something like that. Maybe after working here a while I’ll look into that.
I’m hoping that next week will be busier for me and I wont’ be feeling so down in the dumps. This happens anytime it’s slow, but this is the worse it’s been. I usually feel better when I have a lot going on at work because I go home feeling accomplished and to me, that’s one of the best feelings in the world.
As always, I’d love to hear [read] any thoughts, observations, ideas, personal stories, etc, that you’d like to share. 🙂